Gone too soon...

Like a comet blazing across the evening sky
Gone too soon.,

Like a rainbow fading in the twinkling of an eye,
Gone too soon.

Shiny and sparkly and splendidly bright,
Here one day, gone one night.

Like the loss of sunlight on a cloudy afternoon,
Gone too soon.

Like a castle built upon a sandy beach,
Gone too soon.

Like a perfect flower that is just beyond your reach,
Gone too soon.

Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight,
Here one day, gone one night.

Like a sunset dying with the rising of the moon,
Gone too soon,
Gone too soon.
Written by Larry Grossman and Alan Kohan
Performed by Michael Jackson.



I've never really posted much about my feelings regarding MJ's death. Why? Because I've never been one to buy into celebrity culture much. I've never understood people who become obsessed with actors and musicians. I've never got why people will camp outside a theatre, just to see their favourite celebs walk by on the red carpet 12 hours later. But all this time, despite my head-shaking and misunderstanding towards them, I've always been one of them.

In Florida, did I not consider getting Jenn and I in the car and straight to the hospital where Michael was taken, just to stand there and wait for news? At news of his funeral, did I not instantly try and find how to attend? Did I not search airline costs to see how much it'd cost me to get over to the states, even if I just stood outside the event? Did I not keep my concert ticket instead of get it refunded, purely because I knew that ticket is the closest I will ever get to him?

I'm one of the worst obsessive fans of them all, it seems.

"The meaning of life is contained in every single expression of life. It is present in the infinity of forms and phenomena that exist in all of creation."
Michael Jackson

I would do anything to see him. Just to spend a minute in his presence. To have him notice or acknowledge me even for a moment would be beyond a dream come true. Just thinking about it is upsetting me (which is a bad thing, since I'm at the office!). Watching This Is It still makes me cry every time, as does watching the Bashir documentary on him. I feel ridiculous for it. I idolise a person I've never met. I believe all the terrible stories about him are absolute rubbish, but do I really know that? Of course not. I was never one of those lucky few who were allowed into his life, to get to know him. I have to make do with whatever I can get.

"People write negatives things, cause they feel that's what sells. Good news to them, doesn't sell."
Michael Jackson

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm just writing as it comes to me. IT may sound ridiculous to anyone else, but it's a big deal to me. Everyone has their short list of things that are truly important to them, and this is one of those things for me.

I still can't fully believe he's gone. It still hasn't sunk in. It still doesn't seem entirely real. It's been over a year now. A year. It still feels like it was barely a few months ago. When I listen to his music, I don't hear the voice of a dead man. He still sounds alive. When I watch videos of him, I don't think of him as gone, but still there. I can't mentally accept him as being gone. I've lost other people in my life, and my mind fully accepts that they are no longer here... but I just can't do it with him. It's almost like he's too special to be capable of dying?

“If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.”
Michael Jackson

God, I was so ready to see that concert. My mum has seen him three times. She's told me countlessly since last year that every time she sees him, all she can think about is how utterly gutted she is that I will never get that chance. She said if she could give up her own and Charlotte's concert tickets just to give me the chance to see him, she would. Don't get me wrong, my sister is a big fan of him too, but my sister is a big fan of a lot of things (P!nk and twilight, for example). MJ is my only obsession. Always has been. I've 'liked' other things, sure, but I've never been obsessed with them quite like I am with him.

"I just wanted to say that these will be my final show performances in London. When I say 'this is it', it really means 'this is it'."
Michael Jackson

Watching the backstage videos from This Is It, I kind of wish that, despite all that's happened, they'd gone ahead and put on the show anyway. Even if it was tribute artists and impersonators stood in his place. That show was HIS. It was Michael's creation. Anyone who watched This Is It could see the input he had about every little part of it, from the music, the dancers, the musicians, the lights, the pauses, the stage layout... it was very much his creation, and I would have loved to have seen it. He wanted it to be seen. The fact the entire show was cancelled is still incredibly disappointing. Seeing the stage show, even without him, would have been the closest I could get to ever seeing him live.

“'Lies run sprints, but the truth runs marathons. The truth will win this marathon in court.'”
Michael Jackson

I don't believe the rumors that are going around about him. I think his understanding of relationships was just different to what we are used to. To be able to look beyond the boundaries of age, and to platonically love others regardless of their age, race, health... I think that is truly a beautiful thing. And I believe that platonic love is all Michael EVER had. Just watching videos of him, you can see how childish he really is. He's the real-life Peter Pan of our world.

I've just realise I keep saying "is" instead of "was".

Regarding his death... I don't think he was intentionally killed, and I don't think it was suicide. Michael himself said he never wanted to die. He wanted to make this comeback, and prove to the world that he still had all the talent in the world. He wouldn't kill himself.
Similarly, his doctor wouldn't have intentionally killed him, if not purely for the selfish reason that as long as Michael was alive, he'd still be employed as his Doctor, and still making money from him. He did prescribe a dangerous amount of drugs to him, of that I'm sure... but if Michael didn't get it from him, he'd get it elsewhere. This is Michael Jackson. I doubt there's anything he couldn't get if he really wanted it.

At the end of the day, I think his death was nothing more than a tragic accident. I can't honestly accept that Michael would ever kill himself intentionally.

"I’m happy to be alive, I’m happy to be who I am."
Michael Jackson

Gah, I don't even know where to go with this, or how to end it. There's so much more I could put here, but I just can't get the words together right.

Michael Jackson was, most certainly, gone too soon.

I miss you, Michael. We all do.